I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. He told me to stop going there. The landlady answers. Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes What does a nosy pepper do? Whats E.T. Rub one ball and everything moves., 7. 2023 Readers Digest Magazines Ltd. - All rights reserved, We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), Compiled by Andy Simmons, RD.com and Robert Liwanag, readersdigest.ca. Well, said her husband to the shaken pastor when all the commotion ending, shes there.Submitted by Norm Schmitz, One friend complains to another, All my husband and I do any more is fight. You said I had 30 more years to live, she complains. "A thief broke into the police headquarters during the night and took all the toilets. I once had a teacher with a lazy eye. Is that the dog were supposed to be aware of? he asks the owner. I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. The bartender shakes his head. Look officer, Im not being a smartass. ' @woodyluvscoffee. Then they responded, confused, Excuse me, maam, but youre at Tim Hortons. Submitted by Wendy Singedonk. Thanks for the compliment [Read: 20 Smart medieval insults in English that should make a comeback], 48. 'I knew it! Aidan on Instagram: "From killer hoco proposal, to killer hoco Will I die? she asks. How are you?, OK, says the first producer. Do you own a doghouse? Im actually not funny. Youre running around with another womanadmit it! she demanded. Jim nervously mimicked her. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. What happened to ya?, Sol says, Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. "couldn't organise a "? - Google Groups Not only is it terrible, its terrible. The blacksmith instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, Ill lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.. The last thing grandpa said before he kicked the bucket? ! Doctor: Nine.. Sir! Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, A: When its pasture bedtime. I take that as a compliment. Never trust atoms. Im just mean and people think Im joking., 35. 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling A man was stranded on a desert island for 20 years when a navy ship finally spots him. View a fight that stems from an ill-fated joke not as a reason to withdraw or get defensive but as a vehicle for intimacy. No more Mr Rice Guy. Tim Vine, My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Who could think of safe, new football jokes? Submitted by C.A. Math teacher: If I have three bottles in one hand and two in the other hand, what do I have? A carrot. I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue? I said No, just a watch. Spell elephant,' the older one said. One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter. Just then, a saleswoman appeared. Now, sure. As a Russian prepares to cross the Ukrainian border, the border guard asks, Occupation?. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? ' Tim Vine, My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. Im coming over to live with you. To which her mother replies, No, no, darling. Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Dont blame me for your stupidity, take that up with your mom and dad, 49. And what, may I ask, are you? The cat replies, Um, Im a gnome.Submitted by Blake Kiltoff, What is my relationship deal breaker? Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. He must pay for his mistake. Green beans are the most Zen of all the vegetables because theyve found their inner peas. I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. Got anything less expensive?Submitted by Rosemary Covert, Snake 1: Are we poisonous? When he answers the door shes standing there in a slinky black dress. Thats my twin sister. In fact, my name is Murphy., Aha, thought the agent, heres my man. So he whispered the secret code: The sun is shining the grass is growing the cows are ready for milking., Oh, said the farmer, youre looking for Murphy the spy. Try giving them one of these funny compliments! 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding, 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe), 41 of Bill Baileys most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners, 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before, 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners, 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes, 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes, 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes, 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners, 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes, 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults, 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners, 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips, 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life, 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes, 27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country, 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners, 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley, 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes, 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes, 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes, Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier, 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes, 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes, 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults, 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling, The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team, 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes, When spring 2023 starts in the UK and why there are different ways of calculating the first day, Ken Bruce's final show reminded us he doesn't just talk to everyone, he listens to them, too, Who hates my naked protests most? So now I got me a hook., I was standin on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye., But ya dont go blind from no seagull poop., True, says Sol. The son comes home in the afternoon. What do you call a fake noodle? A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, How long have you been wearing that bra? The friend replies, Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment., The easiest time to add insult to injury is when youre signing somebodys cast. Demetri Martin, A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. I wanna see my real parents! I didnt know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. Its easy, replies the ranger. Relive the history of the world in dumb jokes. The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off. She poured some milk into the saucer and Jim did likewise. Between you and me, something smells. Submitted by Reid Faylor. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious. Jokes. BBLTHRW. Whats a Queen without her King? Submitted by Chuck Welch, Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the young man led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. I was involved in very organised crime. Milton Jones, I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper dicing with death. Tim Vine. Try these funny birthday jokes! When a daydreaming taxi driver accidentally drove past his destination, his passenger gently tapped him on the shoulder from the back seat. "I'm not sure; I was born with them.". Its from Uncle Ben. God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time. Robin Williams, 5. Submitted byLucinda Rajaselvan, The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron. Second door to the right, says the bartender. 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes. The businessman asks for a Coke. They make up everything. How does NASA organise a party? Ive led a very full life, says the dog. 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes Tamron Hall and Soledad O'Brien make jokes at Megyn Kelly's expense I laughed at all of your jokes My love you didn't need to coax Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have tried anymore . @dadsaysjokes, If I were Maria in The Sound of Music and I heard them sing How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria at my wedding, I would be like, Why are you singing that mean song about me, and why do all of you know it? 50 of the best lines from Peep Show Submitted by Barthelemy Petro. If you look closely, you can see the little black dots in the meatballs. You Couldn't Handle Me Even If I Came With Instructions - Funny Husband Wife Joke Gift - 11 OZ Coffee Mug . We missed the R!, Father! cries the young monk. While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. This is your great-grandma and great grandpa, I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. Maybe youll find a brain back there., 45. To get to the other side. First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. !" It was a long, dramatic, drawn-out way of telling us to shut-up. So she brought me in the next day, took me to the manager and said, Okay, here you go!Submitted by Andy Fielding, I was skyping with my three-year-old grandson when he suddenly announced, You can come out of the computer now, Grandma! Submitted by June Pearson, I was driving my three-year-old granddaughter, Nevaeh, to daycare one morning after a heavy snowfall. Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? Of course, those who arent in the direct line of insult will no doubt find it hilarious! Rod Stewart - Maggie May Lyrics | AZLyrics.com His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. 55 Funny Food Jokes And Puns That Kids Will Relish - Fatherly He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. Hes in the village over the other direction.. "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? Conjunctivitis.com thats a site for sore eyes. Tim Vine. ' Tim Vine, This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. A cornfield. ", "If life givesyou melons, you might be dyslexic. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. I had only that single dollar, and I had to make a decision: Give it to his worthy cause or keep it. ' . Please, not while Im eating.Submitted by Shirleen Slabber, I got an A on my very first university English paper. Good Comebacks 1. Peterson, she begins, would you say youre honest? Honest? replies the lawyer. The jury comes back with the verdict. 150 Funny Adult Jokes - Hilarious Humor for Adults in 2023 - MemesBams ._1QwShihKKlyRXyQSlqYaWW{height:16px;width:16px;vertical-align:bottom}._2X6EB3ZhEeXCh1eIVA64XM{margin-left:3px}._1jNPl3YUk6zbpLWdjaJT1r{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;border-radius:2px;display:inline-block;margin-right:5px;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis;vertical-align:text-bottom;white-space:pre;word-break:normal;padding:0 4px}._1jNPl3YUk6zbpLWdjaJT1r._39BEcWjOlYi1QGcJil6-yl{padding:0}._2hSecp_zkPm_s5ddV2htoj{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;border-radius:2px;display:inline-block;margin-right:5px;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis;vertical-align:text-bottom;white-space:pre;word-break:normal;margin-left:0;padding:0 4px}._2hSecp_zkPm_s5ddV2htoj._39BEcWjOlYi1QGcJil6-yl{padding:0}._1wzhGvvafQFOWAyA157okr{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;border-radius:2px;margin-right:5px;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis;vertical-align:text-bottom;white-space:pre;word-break:normal;box-sizing:border-box;line-height:14px;padding:0 4px}._3BPVpMSn5b1vb1yTQuqCRH,._1wzhGvvafQFOWAyA157okr{display:inline-block;height:16px}._3BPVpMSn5b1vb1yTQuqCRH{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-body);border-radius:50%;margin-left:5px;text-align:center;width:16px}._2cvySYWkqJfynvXFOpNc5L{height:10px;width:10px}.aJrgrewN9C8x1Fusdx4hh{padding:2px 8px}._1wj6zoMi6hRP5YhJ8nXWXE{font-size:14px;padding:7px 12px}._2VqfzH0dZ9dIl3XWNxs42y{border-radius:20px}._2VqfzH0dZ9dIl3XWNxs42y:hover{opacity:.85}._2VqfzH0dZ9dIl3XWNxs42y:active{transform:scale(.95)} 27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country You couldn't hit the broadside of a barn from inside the barn. The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, Nice going! Mom: Where buy chicken Daughter: Mom, this isnt Google. The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team Hes telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. A: Get off the carousel. The detective asks, Is that your husband? Yes, replies the woman. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. "Women are like iPhones. 16. Why would you post that sign? Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.Submitted by L.B. "Can't You Take a Joke?": What to Do When Teasing Hurts An impasta. The light goes off.. ", "What do you call someone who graduates last in their class from Med school? ", "Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. If youre going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty. -Marilyn Monroe, 38. Press J to jump to the feed. Bless me father, for I have sinned, he says. The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. I found them. We werent looking for the same thing, she explained. Thats Mums side.. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? He wasnt familiar with royal etiquette, so he decided to simply follow the Queens lead and hope for the best. .Rd5g7JmL4Fdk-aZi1-U_V{transition:all .1s linear 0s}._2TMXtA984ePtHXMkOpHNQm{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px;margin-bottom:4px}.CneW1mCG4WJXxJbZl5tzH{border-top:1px solid var(--newRedditTheme-line);margin-top:16px;padding-top:16px}._11ARF4IQO4h3HeKPpPg0xb{transition:all .1s linear 0s;display:none;fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);height:16px;width:16px;vertical-align:middle;margin-bottom:2px;margin-left:4px;cursor:pointer}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:hover ._11ARF4IQO4h3HeKPpPg0xb{display:inline-block}._2IvhQwkgv_7K0Q3R0695Cs{border-radius:4px;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line)}._2IvhQwkgv_7K0Q3R0695Cs:focus{outline:none}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B{transition:all .1s linear 0s;border-radius:4px;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line)}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:focus{outline:none}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B.IeceazVNz_gGZfKXub0ak,._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:hover{border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk{margin-top:25px;left:-9px}._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP,._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP:focus-within,._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP:hover{transition:all .1s linear 0s;border:none;padding:8px 8px 0}._25yWxLGH4C6j26OKFx8kD5{display:inline}._2YsVWIEj0doZMxreeY6iDG{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;padding:4px 6px}._1hFCAcL4_gkyWN0KM96zgg{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);margin-right:8px;margin-left:auto;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-errorText)}._1hFCAcL4_gkyWN0KM96zgg,._1dF0IdghIrnqkJiUxfswxd{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;cursor:pointer;-ms-flex-item-align:end;align-self:flex-end;-webkit-user-select:none;-ms-user-select:none;user-select:none}._1dF0IdghIrnqkJiUxfswxd{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._3VGrhUu842I3acqBMCoSAq{font-weight:700;color:#ff4500;text-transform:uppercase;margin-right:4px}._3VGrhUu842I3acqBMCoSAq,.edyFgPHILhf5OLH2vk-tk{font-size:12px;line-height:16px}.edyFgPHILhf5OLH2vk-tk{font-weight:400;-ms-flex-preferred-size:100%;flex-basis:100%;margin-bottom:4px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX{margin-top:6px}._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._3MAHaXXXXi9Xrmc_oMPTdP{margin-top:4px} She has published three web humor books and six calendars, including You Had One Job! Unfortunately, by that point, the opportunity is long gone. Are you at peace with God?, Larry replies, God and I are tight. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home., The guy is flabbergasted. Theseclever jokescould make anyone sound smart! Now were going to have to pee in the boat.. You never know when you might kneed these jokes. If Cinderellas shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?. Wow, this bed is big!. You think Im cute when Im angry? The odds of getting mugged twice are 1 in 2,500. Now he wont come when I call him. you couldn't kick jokes where is madeira citrine mined. Instantly, the car appears on the beach. Five, six, maybe seven times. Thesehilarious school storiesare guaranteed to give you a laugh. She looks great! Then it dawned on me. But it was me first day with the hook.. The doctor says, Larry, everything looks great. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. you couldn't kick jokesmichelle fleury ancestry. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. So how do we know if theyre grizzly bear droppings? asks one of the ramblers. She was so ugly she could trick or treat over the telephone. I have been working as a couples therapist for 20 years, and I know how many fights begin because someone cant take a joke.. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. Women are like iPhones. I was always told it was piss in the boot. Later they get together. You have 30 more years to live.. A reliable jokenever fails to break the ice during social interactions, and goodness knowssome of us can use all the help we can get in those situations! She then reassured him by adding, Now, if you do everything Ive told you, you wont be with us for long.. We missed the R! Did you hit him with the golf club? Yes, I did, sobs the woman. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Hes fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! It can only become stairs.Mitch Hedberg, What I dont like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Phyllis Diller. Monica Hesse, writer, A stranger enters a store and spots a sign: DANGER! Dont go through life unprepared! Im doing great! A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. The best time to add insult to injury is when youre signing somebodys cast. Demetri Martin, Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. Next, he moves into the dining room. How do you think I feel? asks his companion. If you laugh at these dark jokes, youre probably a genius. She seemed surprised. Did You Know Anxiety Can Enhance Our Relationships? However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. Four-year-old boy I babysit: *suspicious* Me: *Lays out books* Four-year-old: Well, this is disappointing. Doctor: Oh, we are in this together. While rummaging through the boats provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. Id like to start with the chimney jokes Ive got a stack of them. These wiseand often hilariousquotes from The Good Place can be applied to everyday life! They were having an ongoing conversation on Snapchat when he stopped responding last week. [Read: 19 life quotes to motivate you to live a better life], 23. With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snails pace. I had spent some time looking for a sandwich on the grass, when a golfer asked me if someone had lost a sand wedge. The foreman stands, clear his throat and announces, Not guilty. The defendant leaps to his feet. Here are the best insulting smartass quotes we could find. Nature is beautiful and so am I. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. *Results not guaranteed. Check out these up-and-coming Canadian comediansand their best jokes! So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. A dog is a bitch, dogs bark. When the Tooth fairy comes to your house she takes your tooth and gives you money. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. These hilarious jokes about marriagewill crack you up. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. ", "I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish. Liked what you just read? As I told the salesperson, I dont need to be depressed four ways; one is quite enough.. I dont know, she replies. He got out three times to go to the bathroom., When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.Henry Youngman, A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. Kid 1: "I don't have a sister.". Why does my brother always attack my knees playfully? I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? Get ready for more witty bar jokes anyone can remember. You can only stalk them and hope for the best. [Read:55 funny quotes about love and all its complications], 6. I asked him, Whats the word on the street?. This isnt my child. GCFL.net, A skeleton walks into a bar. 101 Good, Clean Jokes That'll Make You Laugh Your Pants Off I used to be freaked out too when I was alive. Ive never seen anyone run that fast! When Chuck Norris comes to your house he breaks your tooth and takes your money. If you have ever been offended by someone with nothing but a gaping mouth and a figurative puff of smoke as a response, you know how tragic a lack of a comeback can feel. Whats it called? These smartlight bulb jokes are truly illuminating. The bouncer says, You cant come in here with a dog., He replies, Im blind and this is my seeing-eye dog., The bouncer responds, You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?, The second guy exclaims, They gave me a Chihuahua?, I come from a stupid family. Im sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. Do you want to get a drink? I heard you the first time! says a small, irritated voice. That's why we've rounded up that set of (clean) jokes for adults and kids alike that will have the whole family laughing. Sometimes you just want to make somebody laugh, but are pushed for time. Want to turn someones frown upside down? Its that love/hate thing that means you cant stand them on one hand, but you find them hilarious on the other. The basic recipe for relational health is this: Do more of the good stuff and less of the bad stuff. I couldn't put it down. Check out the most Canadian headlines of all time. Im friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. No pun in 10 did. lifeguard air ambulance new mexico hassan has plastic surgery hassan has plastic surgery The first one is on the house. Tim Vine. Check out the funniest comedies on Netflix Canada right now. Fo drizzle! A: Lavion rose. The day shes discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Im not allowed on the couch., Two salespeople approached me at the furniture store. Love is grand, until it isnt. Face your problems, dont Facebook them., 4. I typed Bitch into my GPS and guess what? What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? This is my first day driving a cab. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a millionaire today. As he sat down, a woman shouted, I dare you to do it again.Submitted by Debra Miteff, A job applicant was asked, What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses? Well, he began, my main weakness would definitely be my issues with realitytelling whats real from whats not. Okay, said the interviewer. Today isnt your day.