Nothing seemed wrong, although I remembered wishing I was able to see him one-on-one for our usual authentic talks. Danielle March 31, 2021 at 10:39 pm Reply. There is nothing anyone can say or do to change this and I am so so sorry about that. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. my kids OMG. my best friend killed herself on the 9th april 2017. i dont really have a long story for it, but i havent admitted it outloud or in writing really. a part of me is glad that he is no longer suffering but i feel like his anxiety and depression have been transferred to me. They are here for me as well. TJ had been the organizer for the group for two years and everyone just thought the world of him. I immediately tried to get him to come back inside and asked him what was wrong. I feel so sorry for you. My husband ended his walk through this life in June 2019. Stay stron, stay safe. three months ago one of my best friends, who was long distance, killed himself. Screaming, shaking. i received the last message, i was the last to hear his voice and the last person he said i love you. My dad had fallen back onto the bed. And then everyone will know Im a killer. Lisa September 9, 2016 at 10:58 pm Reply. I did not know he had been struggling with depression for years. We all have choices in life, but we definitely need to try and remine compassionate. Then there were the unsolicited opinions of others about how my beloved being Selfish Weak, or other things that only enraged me or caused me to become even more isolated, quiet then finally cut myself out of the outside world all together. JANE, I feel your pain. I kept them away from all the dis functional drama since they were 1-2 years old. We are both a mess. IsabelleS January 4, 2021 at 1:02 pm Reply. I spent this last summer listening to Leo's videos, meditating, applying to jobs, and talking my brother down from multiple suicide attempts (he tried 30 different times from May to July. but his friends told me after the funeral that the child was not his. I feel angry that he could do this to us.. I thought he had hit his head on some metal struts he has for a car lift. That he didnt want to hurt people he loved, but he wasnt capable. So as bad as it sounds i kind of didn't believe him, but there was also no way of deny the harm he brought on himself. If emotions return like a tidal wave, you may be experiencing a remnant of grief, which is a normal part of grieving. I know Cassie was sick. But then in the second week, I started hearing from his friends. My brother committed suicide by hanging six months ago, he was my only sibling. When you feel hopeless you have to remember to stay in the light no matter what you do. Finally on the night before he left he admitted hed been lying to me for months. She had attempted during our 18 year marriage but the effort was never there. I found him and struggle daily. I then sat on my bed, and cried. Katie, I read your comment and I can imagine how you feel. Or that he ever had considered it before. He felt as if everything that ever mattered was slipping away from him and his mental disease convinced him it was. I am married and my husband is supportive but our relationship was already on the edge before my brothers suicide. It makes you reevaluate your understanding of Life. We got her to see a therapist. The aftermath never goes away. I will be thinking of you and your daughter. She deserved the world and he took if from her. Thank you for sharing your story. I lost my husband to suicide on 12th June 2020. As a mum I should have done more. I told her it was Dad, and that was when my little sister walked in. Her mom came home, and saw her hanging in her room, she called 911. We both have felt extremely suicidal on more than a few occasions in our life. I get it and relate. For her to do this with her daughter and niece and I there she had to of really been hurting more than I could have ever understood. But he kept pushing me away, lied to me, proved unloyal, I had no choice but to let go. I truly wish you all will be able to find some comfort somewhere in this time of grief. My first childhood(highschool) love hung himself. She was amazing. Concerns about ones own reactions following a death add to existing emotion by causing additional anxiety, depression, anger, or shame. I talk about it to people and do not hide it. Its overwhelming, most think of anyway to feel relief. He had 7 weeks without anything at all If my mam hadn't just retired I honestly believe he would have killed himself. Im not a Dr, so I can only draw conclusion based on research and experience with Him. Only you know whats best for you. I learned from all this, to never take any moment or person for granted. Perhaps you should reach out to a therapist trained in grief and bereavement to work through this loss, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. Technology is good of course, but I think some young people and adults overuse it as a way to feel connected when in fact they are notwe NEED real connections with real people. And I want to cry when I look at his boys. Surveys have shown that 40% of adults know at least one person who has died by suicide, and upwards of 20% of adults report their lives have been significantly impacted by suicide. We talked everyday, he was my first for a lot of things. I was just a little girl. He got a really good job and his own apartment. She took her life. At the end though she was a shell of herself. If love was enough, he would still be here. I am sad and feel broken every day. I his mother am so so miserable that we have lost him for a second time. WYG provides general educational information from mental health professionals, but you should not substitute information on the Whats Your Grief website for professional advice. You may feel angry with the person, with the world, with God, with yourself. Mr. Bidart donated most of his proceeds too. Your in-laws family cant comfort you at this point in life because they are in tremendous pain like you are provable. Hi Aaron. I became bitter, toxic, and now I am suicidal. Not only did my daughter learn she had lost a friend, I then had to tell her how he lost his life because I did not want her hearing it from someone else. Why would he do this?? My girlfriend took her life 12/30/18. Guilt? She asked me again really? I dont know if it will work, but its all I can think of to do. If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy. I thought about it but then I thought no, nothing will happen to her, Ill see her in the morning.. I found him dead on my bed with his brains on the floor. Life seems like I am on automatic pilot just going through the motions, with little or no joy. Please stay strong and reach out for help, it might be easier because you live in the city. Sounds like both of us had our sole mates and now they are gone with no answers. I will never, ever forget that day, and how I never saw my son other than when we first got there, but also that I never had any indication or nudging that I should be worried about him or go looking for him. Funding cuts to mental health services have done a great disservice to those who seek help before the act. She had been effected by anxiety and depression for three years,she had begun cutting herself then took one of her mothers pills thinking it would kill her she was 13 at that time she was sent to a mental help institution for two weeks ,started therapy and medication. When I found out a few hours later that the neighbor had locked herself in her room to protect her 4 children from finding her body hanging in the closet, I was in the denial stage of grief for sure. and that scares the shit out of me. I am 37. His body was found and it was discovered he'd overdosed. I cannot imagine your pain with the loss of your son to suicide and your wife. I loved his soul. Thanks. Linn December 24, 2018 at 4:12 pm Reply. The longing to have him back is an almost tangible aching in my chest. Thing is, I didnt see his text until 30 minutes later. Time heals. This pain just doesnt feel like it goes away but I know he will be with me forever. It runs rampant here in the US and across the globe. I just found this site and decided to share. Ive been on an emotional rollercoaster ever since. Call someone when you need to talk. After some questioning which kind of turned into arguing. Struggling at home. It seems the society is brainwashed into believing that getting back someone from death is worse than the person dying. And it wasnt just his close friends. That he will never call me again xxxx. Today Ive cried since I awoke at 4:30 and all day long. If only they knew how much pain they would leave there family in, they would never do this. Do not accept blame from yourself or others. I feel so sad for him. My life partner of 11 years shot himself in the early hours on 30 June. They told us they could see he had suffered at least 12 stroked since being put on the ventilator. She taught horse riding and I hated horses was a horrible rider but I took lessons every chance I got just to be with her. Thats how we learn thats how we grow. I dont want to keep treading these waters, but I dont know what lies ahead. I miss my dad so much. He did not want to listen at all. I found my hero, on the floor of the garage, with a pistol. So even when its evident that the suicide was not an act of intentional abandonment, it still may feel that way to the people who grieve the death. Like an annual walk, motorcycle ride, bike ride, charity event and donate money to a cause in his name or set up a foundation etc to keep his legacy helping others. Isabelle Siegel February 11, 2021 at 2:54 pm Reply, Gamaliel, I am truly so sorry that youre feeling like this. I am still grieving for her. I felt like a failure and thought everyone would be better off without me. Im sending positive thoughts, love and prayers to all those who suffer from loss due to suicide. I look happy and contented on the outside but I still grieve my loss, and I still have irrational general anxiety after all this years. Just doesnt make sense. IsabelleS December 30, 2020 at 3:43 pm Reply. It is also hard for me to understand that I was not enough to have saved him. Like many he enjoyed playing computer games and found companionship with online-friends around the world. To help myself and my family move on from this tragic incident we started a foundation to help others going through what my brother faced Varmans Smile Foundation. Interesting definition of traumatic death, thanks! He married a girl he was seeing for a very short time. My husband is ill with MS and I have been looking after him for 18 years. The powers that be are of the opinion the more that is reported, the more it may happen, ie copycat deaths. I tell myself and other I had to let it go to God that night. A couple of my sons friends had their mothers do that before they contacted me themselves. I hope I find a way or find the will to wait for Gods will. The thought that he is no longer physically present in this world is too unbearable to imagine. His temperment irritated me. All that should have brought us together,it was just the two of us now but it somehow made us both much worse mentally.We seemed to blame each other in some crazy way when it was not our fault at all. I had to tell my dad that his baby girl was gone. I hope you find your way through this world and find contentment. He was a handsome, beautiful, caring, loving human being, with a brilliant mind, who was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at age 17 in his senior year of high school. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. Not long after my mum then overdosed , and ever since im going back and forward every day to get her daily perscription. Now, three weeks ago, I lost my only sibling. I hear that you are taking on a ton of blame for the death of your boyfriend. My dad killed himself exactly a month ago on Fathers Day. When we spoke on the phone she explained to me that she had dropped out of school a few months back after she was hospitalized for a week after having a mental breakdown (and being officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder) and had moved home with her family and recently started a part-time job. They Told Me to Kill Myself, So I Did | Psychology Today I heard him go back to the cabinets. Ive never seen him upset or sad even. Im good most of the time, but sometimes, it still hurts incredibly : /, Tessa winger March 14, 2019 at 3:45 am Reply. Its up to you to figure out what you want to do with your grief, how you want to handle it, where you want to settle it beside yourself and in your life, and what role you want to take in seeing this situation out, but, no matter what you decide, you can take comfort in knowing that you made those decisions for yourself. I hope you have those around you to give you the love and support that you need, even though they might not truly understand all that your grieving, as his mother, entails. Michelle, you are right that life is cruel, but remember that your life is a gift, and even though you are in pain, there are people who understand. Although we live there, these neighbors would come when they could mostly on weekends. The letters that he left for me said he didnt want to live on this earth without me. My husband of 22-years took his life in May 2019. What Michael Did | Toronto Star We had been arguing. Someone had been identified for the pancreas. I cant find the news article now at all. Too bad for the listener! I heard BOOM and heard him fall I still didnt think he did it until i got up and look in front of our bed and i seen him laying down bleeding. For those who have lost children, please find your way to a support group like Compassionate Friends. I at least would have wanted to say good bye and hold him (even though he hates it) and tell him that I love him and that I was so proud of him. The deceaseds mental illness or suicidal behavior created disruption and placed a strain on the family.